Keep the laughs coming. If I didn't catch you by e-mail, please "comment."
Lynn: I decided to try my hand at internet dating again and so I made a profile about a week ago. About five minutes ago I got an e-mailed pickup line which made me laugh out loud (unfortunately, not because it was funny ha-ha).
Here is the e-mail in its entirety: “So do you like wind blowen in hair so do like to ride back of motorcycle?”
The man had no photo, so an immediate mental image of an unfrozen caveman on a motorcycle ran through my mind. Another interesting thing on his profile is that he apparently has no height. So he may be even be a midget unfrozen caveman biker, I’m not sure.
Let’s just say I may not be trying internet dating for long at this rate...
Janet: I just read Ms. Gonick’s “Failing at Living” column in the Chronicle this morning, Saturday, July 1st. It was about Ms. Gonick’s youth when she and her family (her sister, mom and the Minotaur) spent every Fourth of July in a rented cabin at Clear Lake. “The Minotaur did all the driving, but once we got there, the Mom did all the everything else.” I got a big kick out of the story and it reminded me of my family’s 3 week jaunts every summer traveling around the US searching for the best camp sites.
Before that, I read my father’s latest family letter, which he calls his Mena (as in Ar.) Bucolicisms. He reported that he’d just heard on Arkansas Radio, “There will be a conference on Sexual Assault. The audience is encouraged to participate.”
He also always includes a section on “Golden Age Communications.” Bob (my dad): Did you say there wasn’t any factory odor at Wall-Mart today?” Lyn (my mom): I said there was no fat free yogurt!” ;)
Funny thing is I was about to email you, Linda, to alert you to today’s Ms. Gonick column.
Susan L: There's not much to read here in Wyoming, although I did see the word "litter" substituted for liter in the store by the soft drinks...but I guess the laugh out loud for this week would have to be from the chattanoogan.com where a judge said that an "idiot was posing as a lawyer." I thought that was pretty funny.
Sally: You would have to ask for the LAST thing... you'll think it's so lame...just remember... I spend a LOT of time at the nursing home.
I spent half an hour reading birthday cards to find one for my brother this past week. Cards are so terrible! So not funny! Finally I found one that made me kind of go Ha! loud enough in Walgreen's that the 20-somethings shopping near me just kind of glared at me.....
OK, so here's the text of the card: A guy about your age decided to go out for a night on the town. He put on his best suit and went to the neighborhood bar and walked up to the sexiest woman he saw, and he asked her: "So, do I come here often?"
Happy Birthday!
(See, I told you it was lame... but if you're swimming around in dementia, it sorta seems funny.)
Ken (the Doctor): Sally was driving home in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod, the woman got in the car.
The old woman looked intently at every thing she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
"It's a bottle of wine I got for my husband," answered Sally.
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment or two. Then with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
Dorothy: I was just Instant Messaging with my friend Jane in Brooklyn. I can't remember what it was that she wrote that made me laugh...We were discussing jury duty. Oh, now I remember... She said that the last time she got called up, she brought along a Michael Moore book so she'd appear subversive and get dismissed.
Aggles: An e-mail sent to me by a former co-worker last Friday. Unfortunately I can not divulge what the e-mail said 'cuz we are conspiring a stupendously brilliant gag against another former co-worker of ours.
It is bad enough that we are setting this up through e-mails but to have it actually published on the internet goes against any semblance of good sense. We will go directly to hell for this if we are able to pull it off. It will be worth it.
I'll get this out of her and report the details at a later date.
Von: My friend Ryans haiku.
(example)
Can't they see he's weary.
Downcast and shunned.
Seven legged dog.
Our Franklin: Putting my mind to it, the last thing I REMEMBER reading and laughing at is a post card of a Wyoming cowboy dismounted and making a call on a pay phone. He and his horse are leaning into fierce currents of air. The telephone pole bends leeward. He clutches his hat against his head and says "Wind? WHAT wind??"
Funny thing is--I read this back in 1995 on our first trip to this part of the country. Can't seem to recall reading anything else that made me laugh, but I'm sure I must have. Guess my head is being cleared by the effects of Mato Tipila and the rain that does not wet.
Linda: (from Leah Garchik's column)
When she ordered an ostrich burger at Fuddrucker's in Emeryville, the server told Eva Lucia that they weren't offered anymore "because of avian flu.'' So Lucia asked why they still offered "chicken burgers. They're birds, too.''
"They are?'' asked the server.
Anon: Funny, AND gross! Gay-Bi George, and a wife who's jealous of her hubby's dominatrix!
Hurray for Ex-Dom running for Dem Gov!
Anon: This is funny too!
I guess God helped him avoid the wearing of the orange jumpsuit!
Dear Visitor: Now that my trial has concluded, I would like to offer a few brief comments.
Certainly, we are surprised at the verdict against me. Perhaps it is more appropriate to say we are shocked, as this is not the outcome we expected.
I firmly believe that I am innocent of the charges against me, as I have said from day one. I still firmly believe that to this day. I will continue to work diligently with my legal team to prove this.
In spite of what has happened, I am still a very blessed man. I have a very warm, loving and Christian wife and family that supports me, as well as many, many loving and supportive friends. I’d like to thank all of the people who have shown their concern, support and kept our family in their prayers.
Most of all, my family and I believe that God is in control and, indeed, He does work all things for good for those who love the Lord. And we love our Lord.
Thank you.
[[TvD]]: Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
Gwen: The funniest thing I have read lately was the story about someone getting her hair fixed and then craving a chile relleno.
Sherry: I was in South Africa when your 'laugh' email arrived - connection to the web there is pretty limited so I didn't respond, but I did use a variation of your line at dinner on my last night - 'what are some events/things/happenings that made you roar with laughter?' It gave rise to all sorts of interesting discussions and helped lighten the sadness of saying goodbye to my daughter and her family again.
