Today I woke up in a good mood and made a plan. I decided I would be happy no matter how today's phone conversation with Mom went.
Around 4:00 I was winding down, and starting to get a little anxious. I knew Mom would be calling. I was tired, so I lay down but couldn't fall asleep. The phone rang and it was Mom.
Mom: Honey, I can't find my toothbrush. I haven't been able to brush my teeth for days. My teeth feel like carpet.
Me: Mom, I know you said you found your toothbrush on the floor yesterday. I told you to wash it off. Did you?
Mom: I tried to. But now it's disappeared again. What can I do? ... And how long will I be here? Can you tell me that? And why am I here?
Me: I'm going to call the front desk and see if they have a toothbrush. I'll call you right back, OK?
I get in touch with Mona, who's in charge of Mom's hall. She tells me that she was just in Mom's apartment 20 minutes ago and found her toothbrush and put it in her hand. But that she'll go back and find it again. I call Mom back.
Me: Hi, Mom! Mona's on her way over to help you find your toothbrush.
Mom: Oh, wait a minute, Honey. Mona's here, with another grown-up.
I hear Mom exclaim: Where did you find that? And I hear Mona tell her, Exactly where I put it before ... I'm going to go ahead and put toothpaste on it for you, and get you in your pajamas, OK?
I ask Mom to call me back once she's brushed her teeth and she agrees. A half hour later the phone rings.
Me: Mom, hi! So did you brush your teeth?
Mom: NO!
Me: Well why not?
Mom: I just ate!
Me: (laughing) Oh, OK. But you know where your toothbrush is, now, right?
Mom: No! And I'm really worried because I'm afraid that bug is going to reappear any minute.
Me: Bug? What bug?
Mom: He went behind the cushions.
Me: How big was he?
Mom: Oh, about half the size of my index finger.
Me: AGGGGHHH! You might have to pull the fire alarm and evacuate the building.
Mom: What?
Me: Oh nothing. That's awful. Well, guess what. We have bugs, too.
Mom: I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep tonight.
Me: I meant to ask you ... Did you get to watch Keeping Up Appearances last night?
Mom: I'm not sure. I meant to. I had it marked. ... Oh!
Me: What's wrong?
Mom: My nose is bleeding.
Me: Is it bad?
Mom: Yes, it's pretty bad.
.....................
When I hang up Tom asks me if I'm ready to go for a walk. Then he says: What happened? Take it off and go soak it in cold water.
I look down and see that the front of my shirt has blood on it and I realize I've been digging my nails into my neck the whole time I've been talking to Mom.
Tom and I walk on the Coastal Trail. I'm in a terrible mood. Everyone's in my way. Why do people walk three abreast? I step on a little orangish poodle's foot as I'm trying to pass his family. The poodle screams and I apologize profusely. It's too late. My plan didn't work and I've fallen into the abyss.
13 comments:
Ouch, this is a rough time for you. I don't know how you remain so sweet and loving and keep your sense of humor. Of course you are sad too and step on dogs, but who wouldn't?
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Oh, Linda … :(
I’m sorry things are so stressful yesterday.
Wow. I'm sorry it's so hard. It never occurred to me perhaps it was a blessing Dad could not talk. He LOVED "Keeping Up Appearances"! (What IS it with that show?!) You have to give Mona credit: I can't imagine the infinite patience that job would require. I thought it interesting when economist Robert Kuttner recommended on Fresh Air last week that preschool teachers and nursing home workers should receive additional training, higher pay, and professional status, given the importance of their jobs. It's hard in the moment, but when you can step back it helps to see some humor in your responses here. And I get mad every day on the track when people walk three abreast! Thank goodness you have Tom.
Linda, although I've never used them, aren't tranquillizers meant for times like this? I mean, if you think you can handle them right. Sounds like just too much stress. I'm impressed that she can dial your number.
I like the tranquilizer idea....
Oh, honey. >>>>>>HUG<<<<<<<<
Linda,
Sorry to hear this.
I understand starting the day with the I'm not gonna let the [odd/morbid/mean behavior of a loved one who used to be so different] get me down, only to end up freaked out and ready to uproot my hair.
Sometimes [you know who] seems normal and other times I'm wondering Who ARE you? Where's the mom I grew up with?
I agree with stray g that both preschool teachers and nursing home people should get more training and pay.
Oh yes, and any group who blocks the path by strolling in threes needs their heads knocked together. Makes me wish I had a train horn to blast at 'em.
Sending you big hugs and a laugh you can keep in your pocket for whenever you need it. This must be hard, especially dealing with it from a distance. I should send our dog up your way someday; he can't get along with other dogs, so he would have broken up those roadblockers in a second. Woof!
Her nose is bleeding, your neck is bleeding, and what next....the poodle forgives you. Animals understand. That damned abyss. Damn it far far away, past poodles, past people, never near your feet again.
Oh Linda, sending all good thoughts your way and hopes that tomorrow will be a good day. I know this has to be difficult but cry when you want, know that EVERYONE has a terrible mood sometimes, laugh when you can and take it minute by minute. Also just know that the sound bites you get of your mom's day are just that -- sound bites and for those moments you hear, keep the faith that there were many other moments of her day that she was not distressed or upset or whatever you hear. Take time to take care of you and drink lots of good wine. :-) You are in my prayers and thoughts
Ciao,
Dee
This is true about the time of day. Are your phone calls at her peak time? Dad was wild in the evenings: sundowner effect. I tried to visit him between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. Do they give her a tranq at night? I know there are laws about too much medication.
Mary Ann: Thank you, and thanks so much for the link. I didn't realize who this was... I think I'm going to sign up for one of her workshops.
'tude: Thanks so much for your notes and photos. (paper airplanes)
Stray: I heartily agree with Kuttner on that subject. Think of how great it would be if even 1/10th of the money we spend on PEACEKEEPING (haha) could go to preschool teachers and nursing home workers.
Sally: You've never used tranquillizers? I don't think I could handle them day in and day out--that's the problem. But I always, always begin each evening with a liver lover. I'm absolutely astounded that she's able to punch in our numbers. (They aren't programmed or anything like that).
Lisa: Thank you. It's great to hear from you.
Namo: Yeah, I'm getting the feeling you know what it's like, and that you've been faced with it longer than I have.
Mari: It is hard dealing with it from a distance, but I choose to have the distance. Thanks for that Woof!
Anon: I like your words. Very much appreciated.
Dee: It's so good to see you again. I'm learning that you say about sound bites is true. I need to remember that. (Also I'll remember about the wine.)
Stray again: I know that it would probably be best for me to talk to Mom once a day; and after she's had dinner, because evenings (in her case) are definitely her best times. But when she calls during the day I just can't seem to decline the call. So we usually end up talking twice a day, which is too much for me ... No, they don't give her tranq's--but she is taking antidepressants.
Sorry, if she's calling you, I'd take the calls, too. Dad wasn't able to call us!
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